3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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