just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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