My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
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So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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