I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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