she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
