I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
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who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is Oprah even human
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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