if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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