I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
