I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
