so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
