my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
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I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
you made out with another girl for some wings
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize