there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
