you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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