bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You are a genius and a whore.
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