Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
