I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
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I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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