So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
home. puking in laundry basket.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
