I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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