She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
