Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
