she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
