Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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