GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize