The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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