I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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