chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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