Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
