I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
