Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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