it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
