her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
is it fun? or sober?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
