Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
