first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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