the condom got lost in my hair
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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