I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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