rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard