is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.