after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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