I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
