you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
