No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
