apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think my moral compass just broke
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