I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
