his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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