i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
