oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
