dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
