I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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