before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I came so hard my ears popped.
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