I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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