You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
