He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
