Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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