i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
