Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We left an ass print on the piano.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
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Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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