the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
