Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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