They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Damn victory sex feels great
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
