Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
