we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
