she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
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She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
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