Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
