is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
